I have been reading medical materials since this diagnosis showed up on the horizon, and I think PCOS is a pretty well accepted phenomenon, you can question whether I have it, but I don’t think you can question whether there is such a thing as PCOS” and she said, “why are you reading medical materials?You can’t possible understand them,” and I said, “I have a Ph. I may not understand everything, but I am capable of understanding a lot” and she said, “well, you are NOT a doctor.” Realizing we weren’t going anywhere, I said, “can we complete the physical exam?I see way too much of 6am and cannot believe that 7am feels like a lie in! In that moment of abject misery my thoughts went to one place. I missed her so much that it physically hurt and yet part of me was raging and hated her.As a result of ALWAYS feeling tired and/or emotional I take to my bed like a neurotic heroine from a Victorian novel whenever the opportunity arises, i.e the kids are at school or are in bed. I wasn’t sad about my mum, instead I was distressed about not having my therapist nearby. I desperately wanted the break to end and yet part of me couldn’t care less about seeing her again. I craved closeness and proximity but needed to isolate myself and protect myself.Just to be clear, one of may favourite places to be is my bed but it’s also where I seek refuge.I like sleep and am currently working on about a three year sleep defecit since having my children. I absolutely longed to see Em and yet at the same time I wanted nothing to do with her.Suddenly, that evening, as I lay curled up in a ball under the duvet, in a way that hadn’t really happened before, all the made themselves known and caused complete havoc. I wanted to let her in and yet I didn’t want her to have the power to hurt me.It was an exhausting emotional dance, two partners pushing and pulling against each other rather than working together.
I suppose it’s not really surprising that things felt difficult having spent the majority day with my mum playing ‘happy families’ and yet feeling emotionally cut off from her, not getting a hug (not that I want one anymore), and feeling like there is a huge distance between us.
Christmas morning was all that it should be with small children: smiles, laughter, ripping off wrapping paper fast enough to set a world record.
They had no idea that this one day had resulted in Santa maxing out his credit card and that January would now mean lots of pasta meals!
When I changed jobs, I had a six month exclusion of treatment on my new policy for anything that was a pre-existing condition.
After the six months were over, I went to a gynecological practice that was recommended univocally by a number of my new female colleagues.